It’s A Word Every Woman Hates

Many years ago when I was a wee lad of twenty something or other I attended a wedding in Houston, Texas. It was a very fine affair and filled with more its share of mirth, merriment and laughter.

It took place long before I was married and well before most of the boys slipped a ring upon the fingers of the girls that would one day become their brides and later the judges of their lives.

Since it was our first wedding as grown ups we tried to do what we thought was appropriate for weddings. That included a ridiculous bachelor party, copious amounts of alcohol and silly declarations about which one of the bridesmaids we hoped to get lucky with.

Don’t Mess With Texas

It was also the event where I learned that the police will pull you over for speeding in Bellaire, Texas and then ask you why you think it is funny to imitate their drawl. I can neither confirm nor deny whether the officers will laugh about this. All I can say is that we were NOT required to appear in court nor asked to pay any fines.

Since we were young, single, footloose and fancy free we did our best to extend the festivities throughout the entire day and night. Sometimes when I think about what life was like before kids I think about that week and remember the joy of waking up with a bad hangover in a dark and quiet room.

Truth be told I think the California kids shut down so many bars we were gifted with certificates of excellence that say we filled every nook, cranny and cavity with booze and lived to tell about it.

It is the kind of moment you look back upon and wonder why you were lucky enough not to get alcohol poisoning while simultaneously praying your own children are never as dumb as you were.

Dumb As A Rock Or Sly As a Fox

In the midst of spreading joy and laughter throughout the land we tipped back a barrel of Shiner Bock and tried to impress the aforementioned bridesmaids with our wit. Now it may surprise you to hear that I might have told a couple of tall tales there but I am sure you won’t be shocked to hear that I told the guy who tried to start a game of naked Twister to get lost.

It is not a game you’re likely to see me play…ever.

And it was only made worst because we didn’t know the guy. He wasn’t a part of the wedding party or an invited guest. He was just some random dude who was trying to cut in on the action we weren’t getting.

Anyhoo, one afternoon we sat at the hotel pool exchanging embarrassing stories about the bride and groom and the conversation took a turn. I can’t tell you how it happened because I don’t remember.

What I can share with you is that until that moment she had been very quiet and almost unnoticed, she being the bridesmaid who told us that there was a word she hated to hear.

Naturally we decided we had to figure out what word it was and set about asking for more details.

“Can you tell us what it rhymes with?”

“Is it animal, mineral or vegetable?”

“Can I say it to my mother without getting in trouble?

Eventually we learned that it had to do with a body part and that led to some moments I shan’t recollect here. I can tell you that we all laughed (men and women) and that it was a bonding moment that I remember fondly.

In certain company all I need to do is start reciting “tipple, ripple. stipple” and people will laugh and say “Texas.” Alas, a good inside joke is almost never funny to outsiders and almost guaranteed to sound stupid.

Our formerly quiet friend blushed when we figured out what word it was she couldn’t stand. We promised not to keep saying it, but only after we had used it for a solid ten minutes or so.

And that is when another stranger chose to interrupt our gathering. This time it wasn’t naked Twister guy coming for a second round. Nah, this time it was a woman who interjected “there is one word that all women hate and it isn’t ‘bitch.’”

I suppose I could share said word with you but this is a family blog and I fear just sharing it would scald your ears and cause your eyes to bleed. It would be the equivalent of crossing the streams and like every good Ghostbusters fan I know that it is a very bad thing to do, so I won’t.

Originally published here.